I thought all of the Avengers represented in Joss Whedon’s The Avengers got their fair share of screen time. But lets face it, some got more screen time than others. Vulture went ahead and clocked the screen time of each character in the film just so we could know this useless bit of geek trivia.
Hawkeye: 12:44. Thor: 25:52. Bruce Banner: 28:03. Black Widow: 33:35. Iron Man: 37:01. Captain America: 37:42.
So, in the wake of reading this terrifying shit, Postcard and I started chatting, as you do, about the zombie apocalypse. Here are some things Postcard and I enjoy: zombie media, common sense, and YELLING ABOUT STUFF. Thus, for your reading pleasure, please enjoy our simple twenty-step guide to NOT DYING in the unlikely event that a zombie apocalypse ravages humanity:
IN THE EVENT OF AN ACTUAL APOCALYPTIC SITUATION, ASSUME THAT THE FOLLOWING THINGS ARE GOING TO STOP WORKING: running water (this includes toilets); anything that relies on electricity (this includes gas pumps); anything that relies on natural gas lines (this includes gas stoves/central heat); basically, anything that relies on there being a factory of some variety at the other end of thing you want to make do stuff. THAT’S ALL GONNA BREAK. THIS INCLUDES THE INTERNET. Thus, the most important thing to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse is:
RESEARCH. For as long as you possess the internet, do everything you can to learn as much as possible. Research edible/medicinal plants (or seriously, go into a bookstore and loot your shit a guidebook, they’re not large, they sell little tiny ones, you can put it in your pocket, WHY DOES EVERYONE IN EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE NOT DO THIS). Research, from available information, how the zombies work/which of their senses are functional—for example, if they operate largely by smell, you want to work on smelling not alive. If they operate largely by sight, DON’T LIGHT FIRES AT NIGHT. And speaking of fires…
First, let it be known that I love most fanboys. When I go to a con, most of the guys there are respectful. They share a passion with me, and that’s awesome. We’re all on a rock floating through space with little connection to most of the people who surround us, so anything that allows us to bond is fantastic.
What I don’t love are angry fanboys (I wish there were a different word for them). I don’t love being scoffed at when I jump excitedly at finding a comic. I don’t love being told that, if I didn’t like something, it’s because it wasn’t “meant for chicks.” I don’t love the notion that I’m not a real fan because I have two X chromosomes and like to look at the Avengers cast. And I sure as hell don’t love my online interests (particularly shipping) being looked down on by the people who do this:
(Comment on a negative Rotten Tomatoes review of The Avengers.)
(Message in my inbox. Way to be an anonymous coward.)
(Comment on the the SHH boards.)
That last one’s fairly tame. It followed a (now deleted) comment that went something to the effect of this: “Tumblr is sick. I can’t even browse the Avengers tag because of all the fangirls posting porn.”
Well, you know what? I’m not sorry.
I’m not sorry my enjoyment of fandom is different from yours.
Maybe my time would be better spent bitching at reviewers and complaining that Black Widow made it to film before Ant-Man. But that’s not what I choose to do. I choose to draw. I choose to write fanfic. I choose to share podcasts and make comic book recommendations. I choose to be positive (when I’m not pissed of at people like you anyway).
I’m not sorry you sometimes stumble upon sexualized male characters.
You know why? Because of this:
(Zatanna’s new “costume”)
(Heroes for Hire #13)
And, finally, this:
(Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Hawkeye, and TITS AND ASS!)
You get to ogle comic book characters constantly. You get to ogle movie characters constantly. And you know what? While I have a problem with the double standard in comics, that is your right. Women are sexy.
But if I want to put Iron Man and Captain America on the cover of The Notebook or pose them like Cyclops and Jean Grey, I’m going to do it. And I think I have the right to without being thought of as some sort of freak.
How is the way I enjoy my hobby less healthy than the way you enjoy yours? How am I the one who’s inappropriate? I think it’s because I sexualize male characters instead of female ones.
I’m not sorry that makes you uncomfortable.
(“Leave the Avengers aloooonnneeeee!”)
(Wasp would never say this.)
I’m not sorry you’re a homophobe.
Actually, I kind of am. Exploring alternate sexual orientations isn’t “defamation of character.” It’s 2012, for crying out loud. I’m not a lesbian (or curious for that matter) but I can appreciate the Spider-Woman/Ms.Marvel pairing and the occasional Pepper/Natasha fic. The world of internet fandom has a lot to offer you if you let it.
I’m not sorry for shipping.
Shipping is glorious. I ship because it’s nice to think that these epic heroes have equally epic romances. Some of the fanfic out there is better written than a lot of comic books. Some of the fanart is better than real comic book art (looking at you, Rob Liefeld). Some of the things I ship are canon (Spider-Man/MJ). Others aren’t.
There’s a misconception that fangirls are only interested in male/male pairings. Some of them are, and who cares? That’s their right. But the assumption just isn’t true. There’s a reason Natasha/Clint is popular among movie fans. There’s a reason Tony/Pepper is popular. Those characters have boatloads of chemistry.
Then again, so do Loki/Thor, Tony/Bruce, and Tony/Steve. Don’t want ladies to overwhelmingly ship male characters together? Make a movie with more than one female lead. We can’t help it that The Avengers is a sausage party.
We are going to ship. We are going to ship loudly and proudly and there’s nothing you can do about it. I suggest you stop complaining and jump on the bandwagon. You might be surprised at how much you enjoy fangirls when you get to know us. We have a sense of humor. We have a sense of fun. We just happen to also have a strong sense of romance and a thing for attractive men.
So sue us.
Bless this post
So much this
Oh, I’m sorry, are people sexualizing your gender and then putting it on the internet in a way that makes you uncomfortable? Welcome to every single day for women.